Maintaining Marital Bliss: Coping Together While Raising a Child with Autism
Raising a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can be a profound journey that affects every aspect of family life, particularly marriage. While it’s a path filled with unique challenges, it can also be a rewarding one that strengthens the bonds between partners. The key to maintaining marital bliss while raising a child on the spectrum lies in mutual support, understanding, and working with effective coping strategies.
Embracing Your New Normal
The first step in protecting your marital happiness is accepting the 'new normal' of your family life. Sometimes people break down upon hearing their child has autism but, in reality, you now have an explanation for just about everything you’ve been dealing with up until that point. The diagnosis doesn’t change who your child is but it helps you navigate your new normal. Acknowledging that doesn't mean you're settling for less joy or fulfillment, it has more to do with embracing your family's unique situation and finding happiness within it. With acceptance comes a sense of peace and the ability to focus on building a supportive partnership.
Let’s Work on Open Communication
Communication is the cornerstone of any strong marriage, regardless of any additional circumstances. But, it becomes even more critical when you’re navigating the waters of parenting a child with autism. Openly discuss your feelings, fears, and frustrations with your partner. It helps you go from feeling stressed, angry, overwhelmed, and alone to asking your partner for help. This level of honesty helps prevent resentment from building up and ensures that both partners feel heard and understood.
Open communication also helps you both understand when it’s time to help out because none of us are mind readers. Sure, we can see non-verbal cues that someone needs a break but it’s more effective for you both to say what you need when you need it. As therapists who work with children, we can tell you how often we see the lines of communication broken down which makes it harder for your child to get the help they need.
Please Divide Responsibilities Fairly
Raising a child with autism often requires more planning and involvement in their day-to-day life. That’s probably not earth-shattering news because you’ve likely been doing that for a while. While you’re in the process of planning and strategizing, it's crucial that responsibilities are divided in a way that feels fair to both partners. Remember that 'fair' doesn't necessarily mean 'equal'. The workload should be shared in a way that plays to each partner’s strengths and allows for individual rest and recovery. When you divide the responsibilities fairly, two things happen:
As partners, neither of you becomes so overwhelmed and frustrated that you’re resentful toward the other partner - instead, you’re working as a unit.
Your child gets to be around well-adjusted adults who spend more time working with them and less time (and energy!) on all of the other things on their already-too-full plate.
In essence, dividing your responsibilities equitably can be a win-win – especially when paired with open communication.
Prioritizing Your Relationship
It's easy for your child’s needs to become the sole focus of your attention. Kids are a lot of work and children with ASD need a lot of attention but they can’t monopolize your focus. You’re human and you have a partner. It’s vital to carve out time for each other so you can recharge and reconnect with each other. Regular date nights, shared hobbies, or even moments of connection like a morning coffee together can keep your marriage strong. If you’re hesitant to go out and spend time with your partner, couples therapy may help you both understand what’s happening in your relationship to make you feel that way.
Celebrating Small Wins
In the journey of raising a child with ASD, the victories might look different than you initially expected. And they will look different compared to the milestones your friends and family are experiencing with their children. Celebrate the small wins, both in your child’s life and in your marriage. These celebrations can act as reminders of the strength and love that bond your family together. Whether it’s your child grasping a math concept in school or making progress in occupational therapy - celebrate it and make a big deal out of it. It’ll help boost your child’s self-esteem and give you and your partner something to smile about.
Coping with Stress
Even with the small wins, there’s always stress! It can be a common visitor in the homes of families with special needs. Stress is a normal part of every household but when you’re raising a child on the spectrum, there doesn’t ever seem to be a day without it. You need to learn to deal with stress in a healthy way by developing healthy coping mechanisms. Do something physical, mental, or therapeutic. Activities like jogging, boxing, and swimming can help relieve physical stress living in your body. Meditating can help bring about a sense of calm as you work through stressful situations. You could also try journaling which helps you put the thoughts in your head down onto paper so you can re-read them when you need to. Engaging in these activities either together or individually can help maintain your emotional and physical well-being.
Seeking Support from a Therapist
You were probably waiting to see when we’d mention this but working with a therapist can be incredibly beneficial for couples raising a child with Autism. So many couples try to navigate parenting an autistic child alone but therapy provides a safe space to process emotions and develop strategies to strengthen your relationship. Couples therapy, in particular, can help you both understand each other’s experiences, communicate more effectively, and provide tools for conflict resolution.
The Role of Therapy in Maintaining Marital Bliss
So, how can therapy help a couple when raising a child with ASD? A therapist is not only a guide but also an ally in your journey. They provide an external perspective and professional expertise that can offer relief and direction in times of uncertainty – which happens frequently when raising children with special needs. Let's delve deeper into how a therapist can support your marriage.
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Stress triggers in your relationship may range from concerns about your child's future to daily behavioral management. A therapist can help you both to recognize patterns that lead to stress. By creating a map of these stressors, you'll be better equipped to approach them calmly and collectively. Whether it’s through mindfulness techniques or practical interventions, the goal is to reduce the occurrence of these triggers and enhance your ability to cope with them when they do arise.
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Effective communication is the lifeline of a strong marriage, especially when faced with the added complexities of raising a child with ASD. A therapist can help you refine the way you speak and listen to each other. Active listening involves truly hearing and understanding your partner's perspective without judgment. Expressive skills entail articulating your thoughts and emotions clearly and constructively. Through role-playing exercises and real-life practice, therapists can help you build a communication bridge that can withstand the weight of any challenge.
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Personalized coping strategies are essential for managing the unique pressures of parenting an autistic child. A therapist can introduce you to a range of techniques tailored to your specific situation. This might include structured problem-solving methods, relaxation techniques like deep-breathing exercises or progressive muscle relaxation, and establishing self-care routines. By learning and implementing these strategies, you can reduce the overall stress levels in your marriage, making room for more peace and enjoyment in your daily life.
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The emotional connection between partners can often become strained when focused on the needs of your child. Therapy sessions provide a platform to express and explore emotions that might be difficult to address otherwise. Through various therapeutic approaches, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), couples can learn to reconnect and reaffirm their bond. This might involve exercises that promote understanding and empathy, as well as learning how to effectively support each other emotionally.
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One of the most valuable roles a therapist can play is in helping couples set and manage realistic expectations for their child, their relationship, and themselves. It's easy to fall into the trap of expecting too much too soon, both from your child and from each other. A therapist can provide a grounded perspective, helping you to establish attainable goals and celebrate progress, no matter how small. This realistic approach can alleviate the pressure to be perfect, allowing you to find joy in the present moments and achievements.
At B&B Well Counseling, we firmly believe that engaging in couples therapy can be one of the most proactive steps you take for your marriage while raising a child on the autism spectrum. It's a testament to your commitment to not only being the best parents you can be but also the best partners to each other. With a therapist’s assistance, you can transform the challenges into opportunities for growth, ensuring that your marriage not only survives but flourishes in the face of adversity.
